My not- so-good days

A lot happened lately. My mind has been doing lotsa thinking, much to the level where my head would spin and I ended up not sleeping. I am awake for many nights, I cannot eat well, and work went so wrong. I could not function the way I always do, I made mistakes, I am tired.

Now i really understand the meaning of "always expect the unexpected". I know this verse has always been around, but most of the time I choose to just believe it, and not acknowledging that things actually happen without me realizing it. My life has never been this down before. I have never allow myself to have such amount of sadness in me before but right now, right here, I am still feeling down, up to the point where I find life meaningless.

Until I came across Teoh Beng Hock's case today when I was registering myself for the next election. These past few weeks has been hell for me, and I doubt when could I get through this. But again I thought, if I put myself in such position of which I think there is nothing worth living for me and that everyone else is so lucky except me, I am wrong. So wrong.

Teoh Beng Hock died a day before he is supposed to get married. He left behind his pregnant wife all alone to go through life. What will you do when you are supposed to walk down the aisle and now realizing that you will walk this life-ALONE? How would you grieve for someone you loved so deeply for leaving you without you knowing it?I don't know. I couldn't handle this for sure.

My 9years old sister died of leukemia. I remembered that I only wept once, on her funeral. How my parents deal with her death? How can they face the reality for not having the chance to see their child grow up? What it feels like to not have the opportunity to ever speak to her again?Again, I don't know how they go through this.

My grandmother's mother died from giving birth. My grandmother was only 20 that time, and she has brothers and sisters, including the newborn. How she accept the fact that she has just lost her mother, a person that is so important for her? How she go through all these and at the same time carries the burden on her shoulder that she needs to take care all of them on behalf her mother?I certainly cannot go through this.

My friends lost their parents to cancer. Most of them took it easily, but some of them find it hard to accept. I wake up everyday knowing that I am loved. What if one day I can no longer be loved by them?

Japan's tsunami took thousands of lives away. Imagine yourself having the best moment with people that you loved today, and disaster struck tomorrow and you lost those you loved. How would you deal with that? One minute you are with them, the next minute you cannot even take a second look at them. You don't even have the chance to bid goodbye.

I cannot tolerate death. I just cannot. Death is a death sentence to me. Death meaning that I lost so much that I couldn't bear knowing what I have just lost. Whenever I think of this, I am at lost. I fear death. I know people will somehow die one day, regardless how old one is, but why? Why death must happen? I loved my family so much, to the extent that I want the very best for them and I could risk all I had for them. Hurting them kills me. Loving them weakens me. Sometimes I wished I am an orphan, so that no matter what happen I wouldn’t feel the pain and sorrow for the people I loved.

I know I’m far more fortunate than a lot people out there. At least I have lived double my sister’s age. I have great people around me, I have the most amazing family, I had it all. Why I allowed myself to cry over things that I couldn’t change? Why would I bother to grieve over the fact that I cannot change things anymore? Why can’t I live like tomorrow will be the last? I’m not a strong person. I never am. I stumble upon little things. I am just that way.

The 2012 stigma has been around for some time, and I hope it really does come true. If death really will do us apart, let death happen to all of us for once and for all.